HBO Afternoon Classics **Killer Klowns from Outer Space**

   Ok welcome to the second edition of  "HBO Afternoon Movies". Today we're gonna jump into a movie that just needs to have its title said aloud and people already are willing to give it a look. The premise may seem goofy, and it is, but thanks to some outstanding make-up work and a tounge-in-cheek mentality this movie is a low budget classic. I'm talking of course about....

   Yep the Killer Klowns, which yes is spelled wrong on purpose cuz they're aliens ya see, shows you why Coulrophobia is such a common thing. This is a movie about a group of aliens who look like twisted versions of clowns who arrive in Smalltown, USA and proceed to take out the citizens one at a time. I know the plot is your standard alien invasion plot but thats where the goofy premise and the awesome make-up allow it stand out and be the b-movie classic it is today.

Yep not hanging around these guys

   Now lets just get into the main idea behind this movie, clowns are freaking terrifying. I'm not sure what the exact history of them is but i do know that i've never met anyone who's comfortable around them. This movie basically takes all the things you might possibly be worried about and makes them real. Want some man-eating popcorn? Got ya covered there. How about a gun that turns you into cotton candy so the Klowns can drink your blood with a swirly straw? Check there as well. Last but not least there's the shadow puppet T-Rex that can actually eat you. Basically everything you've ever had a nightmare about you get here. Course the way the Klowns look makes you wonder how they got close to anyone without them fleeing in terror.....

I mean who gets anywhere near these things?

   One of the craziest things about this movie is despite its super low-budget, somewhere in the area of 2 million dollars, the make-up and special effects look like they come from a much bigger movie. The make-up for each Klown is not only distinctive but each is equally as terrifying yet somehow goofy as well. The Chiodo Brothers (Writers/Directors/Make-up artists) are able to give each one a distinct personality and look that i don't think could even be surpassed today. Its truly a testament to how much make-up and practical effects are superior to CGI in adding to not only the feel of a movie but also adding to its longevity since they don't age as quickly. Something JJ Abrams took note of from the Star Wars prequels and went back to for "The Force Awakens".

This is why i never buy cotton candy anymore

Klown making a human hand puppet, see things like this will keep you up

  The plot is your typical 80's alien invasion plot, not unlike "The Blob" really, where a young couple tries to warn the town about the incoming doom but are ignored much to the towns eventual dismay. Hell by the end of this movie as far as i can tell every single person in this town except our heroes are either made into cotton candy or in balloons for future consumption. Makes you wonder how you explain away all these missing people if you think about it. Anyway by the end a whole towns dead, every clown nightmare has been fulfilled (including a giant killer marionette btw) and a good time has been had by the viewer.  

As if its not bad enough, 20 foot tall puppet clowns. No thank you

   There's been talk of a sequel or a reboot for years now and i hope there is, as long as its by same folks of course, because "Killer Klowns from Outer Space" is truly an 80's gem that deserves the cult following it has and should see it continue to expand. Do yourself a favor and check this one out, just try to avoid the circus after.

Check out the official trailer here and click the link below to stream a free version online

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xlsrc8_killer-klowns-from-outer-space_shortfilms

HBO Afternoon Classics **The Last Dragon**

   Welcome to the first edition of "HBO Afternoon Classics". Yes i know it's a rather specific title so allow me to explain. Now in these days of 6 HBO stations its hard to imagine but there was a time when there was only 1 one. Basically if you were a cable junkie like myself you were at their mercy. Forced to suffer or enjoy whatever they decided for you on any given day. Sure you could go to Blockbuster/Zappers and rent a movie or game for $5, only for a day for new release movies btw, but frankly that was more of a hassle then it was worth unless you were in a "pick a movie by the cover" mood (a method Netflix has taken and run with nowadays). So it was back to cable and to see what the fates had in store for you. Luckily for me in my formative years HBO seemed fully aware of their power and seemed to take full advantage by scheduling movies aimed at my demographic. To most these movies could be cheesy, cheap or just flat out bad but to my young mind they were just awesome. Fantasy, horror, action and comedy it was all over the place and they just seemed to work. Despite their flaws even to this day watching these movies just makes me happy and i'm determined to share that joy with you, everyone out there who may not have heard of them or those who haven't thought of them in years. So it is on that note that i introduce my first entry....

   That's right we're gonna kick things off with the Berry Gordy kung-fu classic "The Last Dragon" starring Taimak and Vanity. Yep the movie that gave us "The Glow" and possibly Busta Rhymes as well. The Jury is still out....

You tell me which is which?

   So what is this movie about you ask? Well it follows the story of Leroy Green (A.K.A. Bruce Leroy) an African-American son of a pizza shop owner who has dreams of becoming a great martial artist like his idol Bruce Lee. Leroy trains hard until one day he is told by his teacher that he has nothing left to learn from him and that if he wishes to become a true master and unlock the secrets of "The Glow", a mystical energy that can make a persons body glow with power and that only a TRUE martial arts master may tap into, he must take an amulet that supposedly belonged to Bruce Lee to find master Sum Dom Goy who can help him unlock the power of "The Glow".

    Pretty straight forward mission really but the central plot isn't really what makes this movie stand out, its the myriad of side characters and stories. Now sticking to Leroy's main plot he's not the only would-be master around, not by a long shot. "The Shogun of Harlem" himself Sho'nuff (Julius Carry III), the previously shown Busta Rhymes lookalike, also fancies himself as the real master and sets out to prove it by forcing and defeating the usual pacifist Leroy in one-on-one combat. First by showing up with his gang as Leroy is trying to teach a martial arts class and forcing him to kiss his feet in front of his students, while threatening to hurt one if Leroy doesn't comply and later by showing up at the Green family pizzeria "Daddy Green's Pizza" and trashing it while terrorizing his family. None of this causes Leroy to break his pacifist ways, furthering angering Sho'Nuff.

Sho'Nuff and his motley crew

   
    Now if this was just a straight kung-fu story thats all there would be to it but nope, this is an American movie from the 80's so we need more dammit!! So as it turns out there's an arcade mogul (remember its the 80's) named Eddie Arkadian (Chris Murney) who has a plan to kidnap the host of the popular music show "7th Heaven" Laura Charles (Vanity) and coercing her to play his girlfriends terrible music video on her show.

Prince has great taste in women

   The kidnap attempt is stopped however when Leroy happens to be walking by after dropping his brother off at the shows taping and easily beats up all the thugs attempting to take her. Attempting to retrieve the amulet he dropped in the fight from Laura, who recovered it after Leroy fled after saving her, Leroy witnesses Eddie's main thug Rock (Mike Starr) successfully kidnapping her and dragging her away. Course seeing as how this isn't exactly Danny Ocean's gang they drop a clue that leads Leroy right to Arkadian's. Leroy suits up Daredevil style and breaks into Eddie's and cleans house. After almost feeding Eddie to his prized killer fish, could be a shark but i don't really remember, Leroy leaves with Laura but not without Eddie swearing revenge in a typical wet, evil businessman way.

Only in the 80's, evil arcade millionaires

   Back at her apartment Laura returns Leroy's medal and invites him to meet her the next day at the "7th Heaven" studio for repayment. Meanwhile Eddie begins to amass an army of numerous 80's tough guy stereotypes with the biggest hire being Sho'Nuff and his crew to take out Leroy. The next day Leroy meets Laura and she shows him a Bruce Lee montage set to a quite catchy song and she kisses him. Leroy's little brother Richie, who had snuck into the studio as he also has a crush on Laura, to jealously yells at Leroy about kissing her. This causes Leroy to leave and for Eddie's men to successfully kidnap Richie and Laura.

Boomboxes and red leather pants, timeless look really

   Unaware of Richie and Laura's situation Leroy attempts to finish his quest of finding the master Sum Dom Goy and dresses as a pizza delivery man to gain access to his fortune cookie company. He discovers however that this "Master" is really just a computer that writes fortune cookie messages and that the whole thing was a wild goose chase. Leroy confused confronts his Teacher to find out why he lied to him only for his teacher to tell him its so he can learn that he already knows all he needs and that the power of "The Glow" is already inside him. He just has to believe in himself.

Seems like legit lackies for a martial arts master right?

   Not wanting anyone to get hurt in the process of achieving her stardom, Eddie's girlfriend Angela leaves Arkadian and asks Leroy's student Johnny to warn him about Eddie's plan. Instead Leroy arms himself with various karate weapons and returns to "7th Heaven" and is ambushed by the army violent thugs hired by Arkadian. Just as he's about to be killed Leroy's students, led by Johnny, charge into the studio to even the odds. Using Laura as bait, Eddie lures Leroy to another building where he finally faces off against Sho'nuff.

Who's the master?...

   Sho'nuff reveals his ability to use "The Glow", his hands pulsating with a red aura, and beats Leroy viciously before attempting to force him to acknowledge Sho'nuff as "The Master". While Sho'nuff attempts to drown him recent events flash before Leroy's eyes, he realizes that his former Master was correct and that everything he needs to achieve the "Final Level" was inside him all along. His entire body bathed in the golden light of "The Glow" Leroy uses his new-found power to finally defeat Sho'nuff and prove himself as the true "Master".

I am...

    Now this being an 80's movie of course Arkadian appears and fires a single bullet which at first seems to kill Leroy who instead catches it between his teeth before restarinign Arkadian for the police. Laura and Leroy are then reunited at a fixed up "7th Heaven" and kiss as the credits roll to a booming 80's hip-hop soundtrack.

    Ahhh memories. If that rundown of the plot makes it seem like a ludicrous movie well thats cuz it is. The whole movie is played with an odd mix of serious and toungue in cheek humor that helps it avoid becoming overly cheesy. The surprisingly catchy soundtrack makes the numerous montages, which were the style at the time, seem more then just running time filler and stay with you after the credits roll. Course lets be honest here, the breakout character of this movie is Sho'Nuff. Julius Carry plays him straight here with an odd menace that is palpable even with the rather comical overall look of the character and his gang. Shoulder pads and weird hair be damned because you believe that despite that Sho'Nuff isn't just talk and can back it up.

   This movie was a vanity project of Berry Gordy's but frankly thats for the best here. The whole tone and feel of the movie just wouldn't work without that Motown vibe just below the surface. It helps keep things light and give just enough of a wink to the audience to keep them having fun and not be bored or think things through to much. Just shut your brain off and enjoy yourself for 90 minutes. Just like the karate kid had a generation doing crane kicks this movie has a whole other group yelling "WHO'S THE MASTER!!" and trying to achieve the mythic glow before Dragonball was even a thought. Hell there is even a remake in the works so its not just a one-off and forget it movie. This babies cult status is secure and rightfully so. Do yourself a favor and check this one out as soon as you can. Now enjoy yourself some Busta'Nuff and go find "The Last Dragon", you wont regret it.